When Your Feelings Bother Others
I used to feel bad for bothering people with my feelings. So many times in my life, I apologised just because I was feeling sad, angry or frustrated. Like feeling was something bad, and that I should get a grip on myself.
I grew up in a home where I felt there was no space for my feelings. With my mom being extremely sensitive and reactive, plus my dad overworking himself, escaping as much as possible and also constantly burnt-out, reactive and frustrated about my mom, I sincerely didn’t want to be one more burden.
I recently found out my dad didn’t even know (or noticed) I was bullied when I was a kid. I casually mentioned it in a convesation, and he was very surprised. “Why didn’t you say something about it back then? I would have done something about it.” I honestly don’t remember if I said something to him back then, but it was probable that I didn’t. I did mention it to my mom, who was dismissed by the school because they knew about her diagnosed condition (bipolar plus schizophrenic disorder). I did mention it to the school principal, not once but twice. But I chose not to bother the most important person in my life back then, and as a result he couldn’t help me.
As I grew up unhealed, the pattern again repeated itself. So here I was, in a relationship with a person who would get very unconfortable with emotional displays like crying, tying my best to keep it in, while my whole world was falling apart.
When I finally would say enough, people all around me were surpised, saying they never saw it coming, and that they never thought I was feeling so bad. Even my partner didn’t saw it coming. I guess I’m still very good at hiding my feelings, even though I feel deeply. Or maybe I just kept surrounding myself with people who didn’t want to see. Maybe both.
Sorry To Bother was written 5 years ago, a few days after one more relationship anniversary that we didn’t celebrate because we had something unresolved, like most times. Yet again, music was my escape, my way to express my deepest feelings, of trying to feel heard when I felt like no one else was listening.
Today, I don’t feel sorry for feeling or for talking about what I feel. Because we’re supposed to feel, positive or negative, good or bad. It’s our body’s language, way more instinctive and primeval than the mind’s thoughts. And if someone is not ok with me saying “I feel…”, I take it as a warning sign, not about me, but about them: a person who cannot tolerate other’s feelings by getting unconfortable, defensive or even offended is a person who has work to do in this field.
I’m not saying it’s ok to use your feelings as an excuse to being offensive, to shout or even being passive aggressive (sarcasm is included here, as it’s a harmful way to speak); I’m saying it’s ok to own your feelings, name them, and ask for time to feel them (I’m feeling very angry right now, and I need some time to process this. I’ll get back to you later about this. – example of a honest and respectful sentence where someone names what they’re feeling and steps back to process the emotion).
If you feel it, it’s valid. Listen to your body. Let it out. Don’t bottle that stuff. That’s when it shows up as something called “diseases”, cancer being the most obvious, as it’s self caused. Abnormal cells don’t appear out of thin air. They are the body’s most potent cry for help. Feel more, think less. Thinking is just your mind’s trying to interpret your feelings in an objective way, which always falls short; think about how language minimises reality: the word “rose” can never convey the reality of a true rose, no matter how many words you put together to describe it. The “feeling” of a rose, to touch it, smell it, see it, cannot be described by the mind accurately.
And what’s the point in feeling? To learn who you truly are, what you truly like or not, despite society’s conventions, rules and conditioning. And also, to learn who others truly are. When you show up your feelings, people have a way to show who they really are: if they get unconfortable, they are unconfortable or disconnected from their own feelings. If they get offended or defensive, they are unsure about who they are or their own feelings, and so they take your feelings as a personal offense or attack, mirroring them back to you.
To allow someone to feel, to open up that safe space, not just to one specific feeling but to all of them, to everything that makes us who we are, to allow the vocalization of those feelings, of the thoughts that are born out of those feelings, that for me is the definition of true love. And call me a romantic, but I still believe I will find it one day.
